Not going to bore you with my life story yet. Heres a joke.

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs
the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic
site is ten miles away so, it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the
bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick
gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally
Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy
beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the
sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise
lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still
isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as
they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,
"I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"